Growing up, getting accepted by people was a very terrible issue for me. As a matter of fact, I loved to make friends. But somehow I felt like I could never fit in. I came from from a lovely and jovial family. In our house, there wasn’t any time that laughter could not be heard. We were not just jovial but also very funny.
The only place I felt sync with was my home. Apart from my home, I often felt like an out cast. Initially it made me absorb myself so much into my family.
But as time past and my siblings got older, they all began to individually get more attached to their friends and best friends. They began to hang out more often with friends than family. Being the last child of the family, I started to feel very much left out. I lost the joy of companionship and even though I did very excellently at school and extra curricular activities, I always felt worthless, alone, unnoticed, disregarded, empty and unaccepted.
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I saw how new students come to my school and just on their first day, they made lots of friends and fitted into already existing cliques easily. I also watched how new people
moved into our neighbourhood and before the week ran out they made acquaintances easily. It was not as if I had just folded my hands and expected to be accepted by all.
I had made attempts to befriend both the good, bad and ugly. But they eventually walked away like I was of no use to them.
I tried different approaches. At one time, whenever I got to meet someone nice and friendly for the first time, I always made the first move for a formal introduction. At another time,
I would do something nice for people and expect them to connect naturally. Sometimes, I made well calculated efforts to befriend someone of my interest. Well, I never ever got turned
down but in just few days or weeks into the friendship they’d just begin to avoid me, ignore me and on some occasions deny ever knowing me.
On the other hand, I also observed that people really never made attempts to come close to me. A person who I may be standing right next to, would deliberately walk pass me to someone else just to ask for directions on something that I could obviously give. I began to lose confidence in myself even though I looked beautiful, tall, had a beautiful long hair and great dress sense.
When I got into the university, I discovered that people behaved more maturely and that it was very impossible for someone to completely be by oneself. It is either you are connected to someone as a room mate, flat mate, course mate, project partner etc. It seemed exciting because there were a lot of opportunities to connect with at least someone.
I’d really love to share my individual encounter with everyone I was connected to but time would not let me. At first, I connected with my room mates but after a year of staying together they began to ignore me and feel embarrassed to be seen around me in public. It really hurt me because, I was the kind of room mate that deserved to be treated kindly. I was the one who
cleaned the entire room most times, always washed the dishes, served everyone whenever I cooked my food, took care of any repairs with my money etc. Yet, I was never valued. In fact, it was as if none of them ever noticed.
In my faculty, I also missed a lot of tests that came impromptu because, no one ever remembered to inform me. The information would always spread to everyone but never get to me because, no one really had me in mind. On some occasions, when I get into a shop to get something, the shop owner would skip me just like that. He’d even attend to someone I came long before first, before attending to me.
Light eventually shined on me in my 4th year. One afternoon, three ladies came visiting. They told me that they were evangelising. I welcomed them into my room and they led me to Christ that day.
That was how I started going to church. Those three ladies were actually room mates and also members of the same church that I had started to fellowship with. Fortunately for me, one of them was my course mate. This made me like them the more.
They often would come to my room on their way to church so that, all four of us could go together. We often returned from church together too. We became so close that I had to move in with them.
That was the every first time that I ever got to fit in and connect with someone. I fell so deeply in love with them that I never thought of with holding any secrets from them. They knew actually everything about me in details.
In my fifth year/ final year, I was miraculously proposed to. He was a member of my church. He actually just walked up to me without any formal dating process and asked me to marry him.
He really wasn’t a total stranger to me but we just never dated. Until his proposal, we only greeted each other and chatted occasionally after service. He wasn’t a student. As a matter of fact, he was a matured young man who was had graduated seven years before, with a good job and ready to settle down.
At first it sounded weird to me because, I had never had a boy friend and I never felt someone could fall in love with me so deeply that he would want to stay committed to me for life.
After about two weeks of thinking on it, I said “Yes”. Just then, things began to go wrong, right after I informed my current roommates that I was engaged to be married soon.
They suddenly began to act cold towards me. That did not really bother me much until I began to notice some malicious behaviours from my course mates most especially the ones who never really paid attention to me before.
Well, that was only the beginning. The malicious treatments towards me began to extend from just my course mates to a large number of students in the school. This included both those who were familiar with me and those who were not.
This went on until a particular lady, who had told me about two years before, that she admires me for my beauty and intelligence (but never became my friend) walked up to me.
She told me that my room mates had been going round school telling people that I forced a man to engage me and that I was making the room unbearable for them by rubbing my engagement on their faces. She also told me that these ladies had also been spreading some of my personal secrets and details about my personal life around. She added that there were unpleasant rumours about me spreading around school. I tried to persuade her to tell me details of the contents of
the rumours but, she bluntly refused to say anything.
Even though I had become popular, that certainly was not the way I wanted it. After that conversation, I couldn’t attend classes for one whole week. I felt very disappointed, heart broken, betrayed, discouraged and angry.
Well, I never did bother confronting my roommates. I kept quiet about it and only looked forward to the day of convocation. Three months later, I graduated and was completely done with that school.
My consolation was that, I wasn’t graduating to a life of total loneliness anymore. I was very excited that I had someone who was in love with me and was ready to commit himself to me for life.
Without any delays, six months later, we got married. He treated me well as a wonderful husband would. He showed me so much love and made me feel like his most cherished treasure. But it only lasted till the birth of our first child.
In return, I showed him so much love. I poured out my heart and love on him in gratitude to his love for me. I was so kind, very considerate, soft and very sacrificial. I often placed his happiness before mine no matter how inconveniencing it could be. Unfortunately, everything turned sour after the birth of the baby. He suddenly lost interest in me. He began to act nonchalantly towards me.
He started to place his family and friends above me.
He became extremely absorbed in church activities and his work, so much that he stopped having time for me.
Because I believed so much in him, I began to go from one marriage counsellor to another. But, it turned out that the more I sought a re-connection with him, the farther he went and the more distant I felt.
Things never got any better between us. By the time my son turned two, I had already gotten very exhausted from trying to make things work out between us. So, I began to consider a divorce. The feeling of worthlessness and emptiness crept in again. At that point, I was forced to make up my mind, to accept that, I do not deserve to be loved.
I really just could not understand why I would give out so much love, only for me to be unappreciated, disappointed and taken for granted. So, I decided to completely let go of my desire to to be loved and accepted.
Two weeks later, I stumbled on a song titled “MATCHLESS LOVE by Sinach”. I had developed the habit of seeking companionship from YouTube, fascinating websites and other social media sites as a result of my lonely state.
That evening, I stumbled on that song as I was going through some recently uploaded videos on YouTube. I got captivated by the song title, that I couldn’t just wait to listen to it. That song happened to be my perfect and long awaited turn around.
I could not stop listening to that song. I kept listening to it over and over again, and meditating on the lyrics all day. The more I did, the more I realised that there is actually a love that satisfies and knows no bounds.
Here goes the powerful but honest lyrics of the song that gave me life again:
You went to Calvary
You gave your very best
You died and rose again
ALL FOR MEEEEEE
You said it is finished
now I sing, now I sing
Oh what a matchless love displayed
Oh what a glorious sacrifice
I am grateful for your body
grateful for your blood
Jesus, I love you
The more I listened to this song, the more I could see that I sought for someone who would call me frequently not knowing that God’s call never hangs up. In fact, He is always reaching out. I sought for romance not knowing that God never leaves me. He is always with me.
I sought for companionship not knowing that God has placed the Holy Spirit in me. What a perfect companion that lives within me and never leaves. I sought for commitment not knowing that years before I was born God had paid the ultimate sacrifice needed to purchase my freedom, and oneness with Him.
I sought for ownership, not knowing that God calls me His very own. I sought for someone who would shield and defend me, not knowing that God had said He would never forsake me. I sought for someone who would help me not knowing that God has said that He deeply desires that I prosper all round in life. I sought for someone who will appreciate me, not knowing that God loves me even in my imperfect state. I sought for someone who will forgive me easily, not knowing that even before my birth, God sacrificed His Son so that all my sins past, present and future would be blotted out. He didn’t even mind how terrible and unpardonable my sins could be. I sought for warmth not knowing that God’s presence is overwhelming, exciting and joyful
It suddenly dawned on me that I had sought love from people who couldn’t even love themselves. I was so excited to have found both the perfect love and the perfect lover.
Even though I was a Christian then , I had only known that God loves me but I had never really realised how perfect and satisfying His love is.
That day, I decided to open my heart to this love. I consciously received this love by declaring “God thank you for your love for me. I receive your Love into my heart and into my life in Jesus name”
As simple as it sounds, that was all I kept saying and I could feel His liquid feeling love, bubbling inside me and filling me up. It was exciting and in a moment, all the previous feeling of emptiness , rejection, worthlessness etc totally disappeared. All the pain went away and my emotions were totally and instantly healed.
I derived total satisfaction from this love and completely stopped seeking human love. As days passed, I never really got bothered about making friends anymore. I even stopped expecting love from my husband and family. I took my eyes completely off seeking for love and focused only on acknowledging and receiving the Love of God.
I kept making this declaration everyday (“God thank you for your love for me. I receive your Love into my heart and into my life in Jesus name”). The more I did, the more the feeling of God’s love became more tangible to me. After a few weeks, I eventually realised that God’s Love and God’s presence are the same. It is only just called different names.
The more I acknowledged and received God’s love, the more satisfied I felt.
Furthermore, I also realised that, acknowledging and accepting God’s love is the easiest way to trust Him. It eradicated fear completely from me and gave me boldness to face situations without any doubt that things would work in my favour. I began to experience great ease in all
areas of my life as I continued to daily acknowledge, accept and rest on His love. My marriage was supernaturally restored. People began to get attracted to me and enjoy been around me. I was often told that, there was something about me and around me that they enjoyed even though they could not really understand what it really is.
Well, irrespective of the way people began to flock around me and show me love and respect, never for once did I ever lift my eyes off Gods love. I never again, expected so much love from my husband and from people in general. I willingly accepted the level of love my husband could give and display towards me. I also learnt to be content with the level of love people could offer me. I stopped getting anymore offended by their inadequacies and faults because, I constantly got satisfied with the matchless love of God.
His Love is matchless and it is all for me!!!! Glorrryyyyyy!!!!!!
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STORY TITLE: SEEKING LOVE.