My husband and I were typically two adorable love birds. But, the problem was, I never seemed to understand why our thinking was so different and far away from each other.
When he proposed to me, I felt as though heaven had finally smiled on me directly. It wasn’t as if I was in a hurry to get married. It also wasn’t as if I didn’t have other cool guys asking me to marry them then. But there was something just very special about him that I couldn’t explain. Funny enough, I had known him right from when I was a teenager. Then, he was just a crush and we were not really close. In short, we were not even friends at all until we had the opportunity of being “suggested friends” to each other on 2go.
I felt so amazed to see his friend request on 2go that day. I accepted it like a queen and we started talking. But, our conversations were mainly based on 2go friendship only. During the era of our friendship on 2go, he never really asked me out and I wasn’t bothered to go into a relationship then because I had just gained admission into the university. I wanted to concentrate on my studies.
At that time, he was already done with the university and was trying to pursue his dreams. Even though we weren’t that close anymore after the death of 2go, we still kept in touch once in a while.
8 years later, we reconnected well on WhatsApp. We began to chat more often. My feelings for him sparked up again but I never ever disclosed that I had feelings for him. One evening, he called me via video call and formally proposed. The truth is, I have never really known him in person apart from when I occasionally see him. I have never spent time with him physically for more that 10 mins. Even though I liked him and I had known him for years he still was a stranger to me.
I didn’t want to accept his proposal initially. I had other guys who I knew very well, who were also interested in me. I also wasn’t the type of person who believed in marrying someone just because you are in love with him. I was the type of person who liked to cross check carefully on the person’s compatibility with mine, his views about life, how he handles situations, how his visions and passions syncs with mine etc.
I really didn’t know this guy but, I just couldn’t bring myself to letting go of him. I just couldn’t imagine him getting married to someone else. After giving it a thought I decided to follow my heart and drop my principles. I was determined to work things out and make necessary adjustments as we progress in courtship.
Our courtship began, and I began to notice some little unpleasant traits here and there. Every time I spoke about my observations to him, he promised to work on them. I had my own issues too and unfortunately those areas of my weaknesses were areas he demanded strength from. They were areas he wasn’t just willing to overlook even a little. So from a lovely easy going courtship it transitioned into a period of serious mutual adjustments.
When the temptation to get intimate began to slowly creep into our minds, we decided to take our vows. We had the same moral value to wait till marriage and coincidentally we both were virgins.
All together our courtship lasted for a year and 8 months.
Marriage began beautifully.. It felt good to be with the one that my heart longs for, irrespective of the imperfections, but little did I know that with time, those imperfections could actually choke that love.
Petty issues concerning my inadequacies, that I was still in the process of working on, began to arise. I also began to get dissatisfied with the level at which he chased me as a wife. I felt as though he wasn’t so much into me as I wanted.
He was the official type of man while I was the playful type. He was good to me but not just as romantic as I wanted it. On the other hand I was the type who liked to take things easy and casually while he was a perfectionist on everything.
Despite the frictions, we also couldn’t deny that we really were in love and cared about each other. Yet, a solution was needed because we gradually became very dissatisfied with each other even though the love was there.
Things however heightened when his mother began to creep into our home. I had occasionally complained about him to her thinking she could help me talk with him. But it opened the door for her to enforce her Will entirely in the home. I never knew she didn’t really like me until she began to display herself.
She’d deliberately cause confusion in my home by lying to her son about me. Knowing that he respects his father, she’d sometimes go through her husband to make sure my husband does her wish.
Well, whether her wish was either good or helpful, no woman likes her home been controlled. No woman likes her voice silenced in her home.
When she realised that my husband had begun to dance to her tune, she stopped the pretense and then began to treat me with serious hatred openly. It was quite frustrating.
On several occasions, I had a heart to heart discussion with my husband concerning it. Only for me to discover that, he’s the type that never sees anything his parents do as wrong even though it’s staring him in the face.
His mind and ideology concerning marriage turned out completely different from mine. He began to see marriage differently like his father. He began to see that as the husband he needed to be a man, gain full control financially, be demanding, secretive, etc…. As if that was not enough he began to exhibit the ideology that I have been bought by his family and must be loyal to their wish and will, serve them with my money, time and strength etc.
Sure… before then we had our differences. But, we both were making efforts to adjust in love. During the early years of our marriage, his parents were locked out completely from our affairs. We lived in another city and we rarely saw them except through phone calls. But the moment I began to run to his Mom, it was as though I had given them a legal right to intrude.
Again, with the way my husband easily changed in their favour, it appeared to me that, he was informed by his Mom that I came complaining and probably, lies were also told against me just to make him feel I’m not worth the effort at all.
At a point, I could physically feel the warmth of our love turn into ice. My husband never reasoned with me anymore. He never showed any concern about my feelings anymore.
On my way home from work one day, I kept brainstorming for a solution to all these. Even though divorce was a very good option, I just felt I needed to try out other options first. Moreover, I also didn’t want the kids to be affected by the dangers of a broken home.
As I tuned the car radio on, in search of a clear frequency, I accidentally landed in a radio station who had a Christian program on marriage going on. As I carefully listened to the speaker, I felt like she was speaking directly to me.
She opened my eyes to the realisation that, neither my husband nor his mother nor his father nor even his friends were the real problem. She made me see that there are no two perfectly compatible individuals. Then she went on to reveal the real solution to a mutual and non penetrable marriage, irrespective of the former preconceived notions of both individuals.
She said that when married couples begin to think differently in a way that endangers the unity of the marriage, it is necessary that either both couples or one party takes up the responsibility to tear the veil. She described the veil as the demarcation between the minds of both individuals that causes an imperfect fellowship between them and also a separation in the way they see things.
She said that during her years of counselling married couples, she discovered that no one really intends to offend the other. She also said she had also observed that when both couples are made to explain their views individually, it most times happens that both couples are right in their individual way. But all they needed was oneness of mind and understanding. She said that, Once the veil is torn they’d be able to see things from each other’s perspective and compromise easily to suit each other. She said when the veil is torn, you’ll hardly hear complains like;
“He doesn’t understand me
He doesn’t care
She doesn’t respect me
Whereas it’s not true. The partner just cannot see and understand how the other partner thinks, cares, respects etc….. And this can be very frustrating.
“Now the question is HOW IS THE VEIL TORN?” , ….She finally asked.
On hearing that, I carefully parked my car along the road just to hear her well and to avoid any break in connectivity.
She went on to explain that:
“In the inner court of the temple in Jerusalem, was the Holy of Holies. That was where the high priest would go once a year to offer atonement for the sins of the people. A veil, a very thick, woven curtain, separated the Holy of Holies from the rest
of the temple.
But, when Jesus died on the cross as a sacrifice for our sins, that heavy curtain was torn from top to bottom. It was not ripped from bottom to top, as though a man were ripping it. Instead, it was ripped from top to bottom, because God was ripping it.
God was saying, “You no longer are on the outside. You can come in. My Son has made a way for you.”
Then she continued by saying:
“Today we have easy and direct fellowship with God because the veil is torn. You may ask how does that apply here?
Well, marriage is instituted by God and it is the closest relationship on earth to that of God and His children. It is also the only earthly relationship that involves a man, woman and God.
Moreover, the Bible is full of God’s intentions of love towards us.
All we have to do is search them out, believe them, receive them, speak them and the spirit of God in you will execute them.
God is love…. and we should rest on that always !!!!
I often advise that you apply the sacrifice and benefit of the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus to your marriages
If the death of Jesus could tear the veil of separation between us and God, the veil that hindered us from seeing God for who He is, understand God’s will for us and see life as God wants us to, then the veil that separates the mind of our spouse from ours is also torn.
That veil could be individual perceptions, preconceived notions, toxic external ideas from third parties in marriage, non biblical religious rules, traditions, predominant principles, wrong images, distrust, effects of previous bad experiences etc….
Marriage is a union between a man, woman and God. Take responsibility now as an individual or together as one. Declare, that by the death of Christ Jesus the veil of separation between the minds of you and your spouse that doesn’t allow for intimacy of both minds has been torn and so it is. Command unity between your minds and mutual fellowship and understanding between you and your spouse in the name of Jesus.”
I waited till the radio program was over and then drove right home. On my way home, I kept declaring that through the sacrifice of Jesus the veil of separation between the minds and reasoning of my husband and I would be torn from top to bottom. I began to command our minds to unite and become one in the name of Jesus.
I took my eyes off my husband and focused on the victorious sacrifice of Jesus on that very aspect of my life most especially, my marriage.
After about a week, I began to notice that we began to exhibit great understanding towards one another. I also noticed that even with cases that we had previously had issues with, we began to easily reach a favorable compromise. My husband began to understand the way my mind works and see things from my view. I also found it a lot easier to understand him and blend with him. We could now easily allow for each other’s inadequacies without the feeling of being cheated or being inconsiderate. The flow was just natural.
After about 4 months, his mother called as usual to check on a particular issue that she wanted her Will enforced. And for the very first time my husband said to her, “I don’t think that would go well with my wife mom and I don’t see the need enforcing that when I can personally forfeit it conveniently”
On hearing his response, I smiled. Before then my husband would have told his mother that I am a stubborn woman and then they’ll both insist on what she wants forcefully ignoring the fact that he could forfeit it easily, just to make me bend to her rules.
Indeed no spouse is against each other as long as the love is there. The tearing of the veil needs to be enforced, standing on the sacrifice of Jesus. Once that is done understanding sets in. When the minds of two people become one, despite their individual differences, nothing and no one can tear them apart and there’s nothing they won’t be able to conquer and overcome in life. They’ll place one another above themselves, as well as above everyone in their lives.
written by: otistories.com