At a certain time in my life, I felt really miserable. Even though I was married to a very nice man with 2 great kids, all of that didn’t make me happy because I was yet to find myself.
I had fantasies about life. I had people whom I looked up to but that didn’t change anything. Deep inside me I was really unhappy. I virtually had lost touch with the real world.
My husband, Mike, tried all he could. He even got me enrolled in a mind therapist institution but that didn’t still solve the problem. In fact, I turned out even more depressed and confused.
It all started one evening when I was getting dressed for a corporate dinner. I picked up a lovely dress. It was a dress that Mike had got me about 10 years before. I had only worn it just once.
After getting dressed that night, I looked into the mirror and I was so shocked at the way I looked. I realised for the first time, that I had lost shape completely. My skin was not as radiant as it was before and I had got wrinkles on my face.
It felt as if someone had cut off my ego without me knowing. My self confidence and esteem died that night.
From that day, I began to be absent minded and I always got lost in my thoughts every time. There was no time at all that I wasn’t thinking of how people thought of me and how others may be laughing at me because, they are better than me.
Because of this, I often avoided public gatherings as much as I could and always preferred to be alone. I kept wondering if I’d ever be able to find myself or even fit in again. Well, things got really worse.
People have said that people with very low self esteem act unnecessarily aggressive, but in my case,
…..I went for a certain job interview where I was asked personal but harmless questions about my home. I ended up slapping someone on their team because he asked me how I was going to cope with my job alongside my daughter who is a cheer leader at school and my son who is a baseball star. Within me I turned that question into something else. I felt he was looking down on me. thought he was about to make jest of me so, I gave him a dirty slap and walked away from that opportunity.
You may have also heard that people with low self esteem never value what they have. It is said that they most likely would always have eyes on people’s stuff, that may not even be as good as theirs. In my case, I had this very beautiful and expensive necklace but I never had value for it. I felt it wasn’t just fine enough since no one had praised it and again it wasn’t in vogue. One day, I went to the accessories shop and got it exchanged for some other design that was far cheaper but in vogue. I just to get appraised by people. But unfortunately for me, the next day, someone saw me and mocked me. She said I was wearing a cheap necklace. And the most shocking part was that I observed that she was wearing the exact necklace that I had exchanged for the cheap one. Apart from the necklace incident, I just kept acquiring things not because I needed them but because I wanted to impress others and get respect from others a bit more.
In fact, I began to gossip and talk down on people. No body was good enough. No one was beautiful enough. I would always see the wrong in people just to feel good about myself. This was really affecting my marriage and it really made me distant from my kids.
I was always hard and unnecessarily harsh at them. I often told them that they were not good enough. I loved to pick up a quarrel when ever I and my husband were in a mutual discussion just to make a point. I felt he was seeing me as a woman and may not regard my views and opinions if I don’t argue harshly about my opinion.
Readers, it was very terrible and I really wanted a way out. I cried a lot most especially after had exhibited my bad attitude. When ever I tried to relax and change, I realised that I’d begin to act timid. I also noticed that People would begin to ride on me. I usually got very quite and too shy to speak up for myself.
You see, low self esteem is an evil monster that one cannot get out from. Even when you want to get normal you even become more abnormal. In my case, when I wanted to get out of it, I tend to often bounce back to the other extreme (been aggressive) and I just couldn’t find the balance at all.
This struggle went on for years until…
……God favoured me.
In the middle of the night, I heard a loud voice that woke me up. It called my name thrice. Initially, I was scared but I felt this calmness and peace. It was so intense and it made me fearless.
The voice continued..,
“I am your Jehovah, the almighty God. Why have you allowed lies to ruin you? Do you remember how it all started? The devil lied to you. He that so you could look down on yourself. The moment you obeyed him you gave him the key to steal your identity and confidence but, I want to restore it back to you.
Take up a pen and write this down…
This is who you are….
You are my child. A child of God. I am your father. You are royalty because you belong to my royal family. You have the authority and power to cause things to go as you desire. That is who you are….