WHO AM I?

At a certain time in my life, I felt really miserable. Even though I was married to a very nice man with 2 great kids, all of that didn’t make me happy because I was yet to find myself.

I had fantasies about life. I had people whom I looked up to. But that didn’t change anything. Deep inside me I was really unhappy. I virtually had lost touch with the real world.

Mike my husband, tried all he could. He even got me enrolled in a mind therapist institution. But that didn’t still solve the problem. In fact, I turned out even more depressed and confused.

It all started one evening when I was getting dressed for a corporate dinner. I picked up a lovely dress. It was a dress that Mike had got me about 10 years before. I had only worn it just once.

After getting dressed that night, I looked into the mirror and I was so shocked at the way I looked. I realised for the first time, that I had lost shape completely. My skin was not as radiant as it was before and I had wrinkles on my face.

I felt as though my ego had suddenly been ripped off. My self confidence and esteem died that night.

From that day, I became very absent minded and lost in my thoughts every time. There was no time that I wasn’t thinking of how people thought of me. I felt most ladies might be laughing at me. I also thought that people weren’t respecting me as they ought to, because I wasn’t looking good enough.

Because of this, I tried as much as I could to avoid public gatherings. Most times, I preferred to be alone. I kept wondering if I’d ever be able to find myself or even fit in again. Well, things got really worse.

People have said that individuals with very low self esteem act unnecessarily aggressive. And in my case,

…..I went for a certain job interview where I was asked some personal but harmless questions about my home. I ended up slapping someone on their team. I slapped him because, he asked me how I was going to cope with my job alongside my daughter who is a cheer leader at school and my son who is a baseball star. Within me I turned that question into something else. I felt he was looking down on me. I thought he was about to make jest of me. So, I gave him a dirty slap and walked away from that opportunity…….

You may have also heard that people with low self esteem never value what they have. It is said that they most likely would always have eyes on people’s stuff, that may not even be as good as theirs. In my case,

…… I had this very beautiful and expensive necklace but I never had value for it. Since no one had admired it, I felt like it wasn’t nice or not in vogue at all. One day, I went to the accessories shop and got it exchanged for a far more cheaper design that was in vogue. I wanted to get appraised by people.

But unfortunately, someone saw me the next day and mocked me. She said I was wearing a cheap necklace. And the most shocking part was that, she was wearing the exact necklace that I had exchanged for the cheap one at that accessory shop.

Apart from the necklace incident, I just kept acquiring things unnecessarily. not because It wasn’t because I needed any of them. I wanted to impress others and get respect from others a bit more.

To crown it all, I started to backbite and talk down on people. No body was good enough. No one was beautiful enough. I would always see the wrong in people just to feel good about myself. This was really affecting my marriage and it really made me distant from my kids.

I was always hard and unnecessarily harsh at my kids. I often told them that they were not good enough. Whenever I and my husband were having a mutual discussion, I would always start up a quarrel just to make a point. I often felt he was seeing me as a woman. And that he might not regard my views and opinions if I don’t argue harshly and stand my ground on my opinions.

Readers, it was very terrible and I really wanted a way out. I cried a lot, most especially after putting up a bad attitude. When ever I tried to relax and change, I realised that I’d begin to act timid. I also noticed that People would begin to ride on me. I would usually become very quiet and too shy to speak up for myself.

You see, low self esteem is an evil monster that one cannot get out from naturally. Even when you want to get normal you’d even become more abnormal. In my case, when I wanted to get out of it, I often bounced back to the other extreme (been aggressive) and I just couldn’t find the balance at all.

This struggle went on for years until God favoured and helped me.

In the middle of the night, I was woken up by a very loud voice. It called my name thrice. Initially, I was scared but I felt this calmness and peace. It was so intense and it made me not be afraid.

The voice continued..,

“I am your Jehovah, the almighty God. Why have you allowed lies to ruin you? Do you remember how it all started? The devil lied to you. He told you that you are not good enough. He knew that the moment you believe him you’d begin to think low of yourself. You believed him and began to think low of yourself. By obeying him you gave him the key to steal your identity and confidence. But, I want to restore it back to you.